Notre Dame Apparently Needs More Advantages Against WMU

I was never expecting Western Michigan to beat Notre Dame, even in a vacuum. Because it's tough to run in a vacuum, much less breathe. But in the real world, the Golden Domers have the following obvious advantages against WMU, their first MAC opponent in 90 years (when they played the then-non-IA Broncos in 1920, a 42-0 drubbing):

• A larger operating revenue
• Their own network television deal
• Home field advantage
• Decidedly better schematics

Meanwhile, Western Michigan has the following going for them:

• More experience in losing games by a wide margin
• Browner uniforms
• Browner hash browns
• More coaches named "Cubit"

But thankfully the Irish have been gift-wrapped another advantage so there's no chance they'll lose to a 2-3 mid-major team. PHEW.

Remember when Nike unveiled their goofy-as-deuce college football futurewear before the season began? You might've seen Boise State and Virginia Tech, or what they'd look like in the year 2031 as imagined by a marketing executive, butt heads while adorning the future ... TODAY!

Nike athletic gear rival adidas decided to cash in on some of that rebranding revenue stream. Seven teams will be wearing these new-age unis called TECHFIT, including ... yes Notre Dame.

Dig these quotes by adidas's director of football and team sports Mark Daniels, who's pretty sure these uniforms WILL CHANGE THE FUTURE:

"The new TECHFIT jersey design will make old jerseys obsolete ... the jersey is harder to grab and you can’t tackle what you can’t grab ... teams need every advantage they can get on the field."

Of course they do. Because they might lose! A 10 percent chance is a chance. The adidas website goes further, citeing four focal advantages:

• "Better range of motion"
• "Keeps you cooler"
• "Built to keep your pads in place"
• "Harder for the opponent to grab hold of your jersey"

Oh, good. So not only does UND have more money, exposure, and fans around them ... but the jerseys are harder to grab and generally increase your self-worth.

But there's always a chance that Alex Carder torches the Irish defense like a flamethrower, so if the score's close at halftime, Notre Dame will come out of the locker room and play 13 on offense. Then they'll give the wide receivers jet packs, making it "harder for cornerbacks to defend passes." A force field will then surround Dayne Crist, causing "difficulty reaching the quarterback for pass rushers." The linebackers will be equipped with bola, which will "make it harder for the opponent to keep their footing during the game." And if all that fails ... Notre Dame will unveil adidas NüRefs™, "designed to give the team a needed advantage in the penalty statistics, which is important in this ever-competitive sport."