Bears Cure Nagging LeFevour With Aging Wolverine

The heart, or at least the aorta, of Central Michigan football for the last four years has so far not impressed the Chicago Bears, who at this point really just need to have a reality show to find a quarterback. Call it "The Next Sid Luckman." Starring: Jay "The Arm" Cutler. Dan "The Torso" LeFevour. Caleb "Parts Unknown" Hanie. And guest starring ... Todd "Pops" Collins.

Yes, sadly, the Bears signed a quarterback who once took over for Elvis freaking Grbac at the University of Michigan back during the Mesazoic Era. Collins has the crustiness to instantly become the No. 2 behind Cutler, with the veteran presence of mind to take over in Week 14, get sacked 17 times, and retire after the season. It sounds like they weren't ready for LeFevour to handle that so early in his career.

So hey, blessing in disguise, El Chippewa. In time your epic will unfold; you will be the guy Chicago sports radio clamors to start for the "washed-up" Cutler. Then you will start. And then you'll fail. Sure, you'll throw for some touchdowns and the running backs will average 2.4 yards per carry. But how will you explain the 5-11 record? And then they'll want the other backup to start. Collins on the depth chart just adds an unnecessary chapter, not unlike the works of Danielle Steel.

But first LeFevour's gotta start. Does he want to go down in history as a local guy who fulfilled his dream of being drafted by Da Bears, only to become Da Yesterday's News? Or would he like to dream the impossible dream: becoming the next failed Bears starting quarterback? Craig Krenzel anxiously awaits your answer.

Or maybe he can pull an Ed O'Bannon and pull a class-action lawsuit against the NCAA that he is being deprived his right to continue being good at college football. That way he can continue to lead the Chips to MAC West title after MAC West title.