Critical Analysis: The 1999 Ohio Sports Network Intro

(via video maestro Tim Burke)

The following is my interpretation of this groundbreaking intro to MAC football from 1999:

0:00 — It's the Ohio Sports Network, and something about OHIO and Miami.

0:05 — A wild Bobcat approaches. But it's in the wild, and we are not, so this is good.

0:15 — Ah, here we are. Beautiful Athens, Ohio, home to Ohio University.

0:16 — Class is about to begin! Time to rush off to the learning hall and gain knowledge useful in life after graduation.

0:18 — It's the first day for Lester Q. Bobcat, a freshman with an undeclared major. It thinks this is the right hall (sociology 101) but he's too bashful to ask anyone. Lester chooses to walk on the ledge with cat-like balance to kill time.

0:25 — That tiny ledge was too easy. Nobody was noticing him. He decided to pick a taller surface, and this one's showing football highlights! Lester is just trying to play it coy, getting attention until someone asks him if he's lost.

0:29 — Lester thinks he's got some's attenti- nope, they turned the other way. Almost.

0:32 — Peden Stadium. Everybody loves football. Lester Q. Bobcat chooses the goalposts of the stadium to walk on. Someone will certainly notice him here! Especially if they line up for a field goal try.

0:37 — Lester notices nobody is in the stands. It is not game day.

0:38 — Lester growls at the futility of life and his place in conjunction with the rest of the universe.

0:52 — It is now game day! Peden Stadium is packed with fans. But Lester already retired to his dorm and is playing popular Nintendo 64 game "Tetrisphere." Well ... popular to him. College is a weird, confusing place for a freshman. But the customs and traditions of attending a school like this will come to him quickly. Right now he's not so much worried about fitting in — that comes later — but rather avoiding a commotion. The fear is you make one bad first impression and then suddenly that's what you're going to be. But this isn't high school, Lester will learn. College is all about growth from day one. Meet a new friend here and there. Take on a new hobby that you've never done before. Seek trouble that you never dared seek when you lived at home with your parents. This is ostensibly the only time he'll be able to get away with it. In four years or so, he'll be a completely new bobcat, look back at himself on this day, and just shake his head in bewilderment. I was that person? And I wore THAT haircut? And what was I thinking wearing my hat backwards?

But for now ... Lester is worried about beating this stupid Tetrisphere level. After all, the music is hypnotizing and ahead of its time among video game scores.

(Not pictured) — OHIO beats Miami 40-28.

(Not pictured, two days later) — Lester finds out about the result of the game in the campus newspaper. He made it to class on time. He's starting to like it here.

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