You all read the story about Rufus the Ohio Bobcat socking it to Brutus Buckeye during the OHIO-Ohio State game. Because of this, the wearer of the Bobcat garb was hereby banned from ever partaking in team activities ever again. (So there goes your fourth-string long snapper.) It may've been a dirty hit, or perhaps Rufus was just trying to make a statement that nobody f*cks with a Bobcat.
So it got us thinking. Imagine this realistic scenario: you're in a dark alley at midnight in a strange town. Maybe it's Minot, North Dakota. Maybe it's Youngstown, Ohio. You have a couple fresh $100 bills in your pocket. Suddenly, a couple of strangers with ulterior motives approach, and you're unsure of their ability. Maybe they're armed ... maybe they just love fisticuffs. Fortunately, beside you, a mascot from one of the 13 Mid-American Conference schools is ready to join you in the inevitable fight with these goons.
Who would you rather have? After the jump, we'll rank them in order of preference, noting their strengths and weaknesses.
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Mascot |
Name |
Strengths |
Weaknesses |
1 |
|
Charlie Cardinal (Ball State) |
Not only does his demonic look strike fear into the hearts of nogoodniks, but I once saw him de-mask a member of Toledo's secret cheering society, the "Blue Crew." Turned out it was a guy I went to high school with. Plus the cardinal, of all the birds, is closest to the Pope. So he has his blessing to fight dirty. Give me Charlie Cardinal, and you can have the entire set of Crips. |
Tendency to run away to places like San Diego State, abandoning you and everything he built together with you, leaving it to slowly erode. |
2 |
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Rufus (OHIO) |
Well, he put Brutus Buckeye in his place as his beloved football team had trouble stopping OSU. And those piercing yellow eyes. He's like the Gary Busey of feline mascots. |
Insists that you call him R.U.F.U.S.™ He spent a lot of money keeping that trademark away from Canadian recording artist Rufus Wainwright. |
3 |
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Hooter the Owl (Temple) |
The squint insinuates he won't take much guff. Plus the eyes are set up perfectly for the "shifty eye" maneuver, fending off possible predators who will remain convinced that he's on the lookout for anything. Also ... heh. "Hooter." That's comedy gold. |
Will not be there for you during basketball season. |
4 |
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Rocky the Rocket (Toledo) |
The only mascot with a goddamn opposable thumb. That alone opens up a vast array of spears and projectiles. He'll also simply get more belligerent if you make jokes about his "special" brother. |
Visor is susceptible to a shaving cream pie, causing loss of vision. Also requires a countdown from Houston before he can launch a counterattack. |
5 |
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Freddie and Frieda Falcon (Bowling Green) |
Other schools feature female counterparts to their furry mascots, but more than most, Freddie brings his best girl with him on all his trips. Two is better than one, and strength in numbers, and all that. Plus, women mascots have no unwritten rule about aiming for the privates. |
Absolutely, totally whipped. And not the kind of whip that fends off brigands. Frieda does NOT want to clean up the mess after a fight, and besides Freddie promised her they'd to to his sister's party in Dayton tomorrow. |
6 |
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Swoop (Eastern Michigan) |
Eagles have an inherent glare that demands respect. They're also endangered, so like a 15-year-old kid that keeps harassing you, sometimes retaliation is an unwise move, which gets you in trouble with the police. Also he has a tremendous golf game. |
The same stigma that is applied with the rest of EMU revenue sports. |
7 |
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Victor E. Bull (Buffalo) |
Bulls are tough, man. They can ram through several substances that mere birds can only flutter above. Walls, fences, china shops, and stock markets. Plus that nose ring makes you think twice ... about getting a nose ring yourself. |
Does your opponent have a red cape? Aw man, you're hosed. |
8 |
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Flash (Kent State) |
I like to imagine that Flash has some type of mystical power that causes a "golden flash" to appear, blinding the opponent for a few seconds, letting you make your move. |
But if I'm wrong about this spell theory, then never mind. You're better off with a goofy kangaroo. |
9 |
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Swoop (Miami) |
This red-and-white rapscallion used to be an Indian, so he has the whole Native American spirit blessing him through tough fights. Also, he can hang with the best of them in any college hockey town, and has tattoos on each of his knuckles that spell "O-F-O-H-I-O." |
Miami is known for its hockey, its football coaches, and its education, but have you ever heard about its "cradle of ferocious mascots?" There's a reason for that. |
10 |
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Buster Bronco (Western Michigan) |
He has that whole Droopy Dog vibe going on, and has morose and downtradden that cartoon character was, he always came out on top. Sort of like Bill Belichick. Plus, as a steed, you can at least ride him to safety, or lead him to water. |
Any leg injury immediately puts him out of commision. |
11 |
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Zippy (Akron) |
If his full name is "Zippy!," with the exclamation mark, then he could be Youppi!'s Australian cousin. This may not help you in a fight, but it'd be pretty neat. Also, kangaroos have some pretty strong kicks that can cause some damage, and Zippy totally knows the guy who owns Firestone, so bragging about his contacts can only be beneficial. |
Has the motor skills of King Hippo. |
12 |
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Null Set (Central Michigan) |
You will not learn about this mascot on CMU's website, but Null Set is the unspoken team-rallying centerpiece since it's offensive to use a Chippewa Indian as a mascot. Therefore, the Null Set represents entropy, which can sometimes scare the bejeezus out of foes who still believe in a deity. |
Ineffective against nihilists. |
13 |
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Victor E. Huskie (Northern Illinois) |
(elongated snort) Hahaahaha hahahahaha hahahaha hahaha ha ... (wipes tear) Look at him! Just look at ... BWAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHA (rolls on the floor, knocks over lamp) |
(still laughing a little) Ah ... thanks for offering, Victor E., but I'll fight this clan of rogue mutant bikers alone. (contently sighs, rolls up sleeves, walks calmly toward the assailants) |
Also, next week we'll do actual football power rankings. This just had to be done.