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The Next Michigan Football Coach? That's Obvious

So you want to win a national championship, University of Michigan? I'm sorry to hear that Les Miles said no. He already has a title at LSU, and they're not gonna let him go. No worries. The perfect coach is out there, and I'm going to tell you who it is.

You want somebody who was a head coach in the MAC, like Urban Meyer and Nick Saban. But you don't want somebody who's been there for more than two years.

You want somebody whose last year at their previous school was 2-10, like Auburn's Gene Chizik. (We just learned this last night!)

Because you're Michigan, perhaps the most xenophobic program in the nation, you want "a Michigan man," or at least somebody who has coached there. This explains your interest in Brady Hoke -- another MAC Man -- but he may not want you either.

That's okay. Because your next football coach will be Eastern Michigan's Ron English. Best of luck, U of M!

UPDATE: So they did go with Hoke. BIG MISTAKE. English was the perfect hire.