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Hustle Bag: Which MAC Football Coach Would Win A Royal Rumble

Ever wondered what your head coach's walkout music would be if he were a WWE SuperStar? Maybe you want to know who would win a MAC Football Royal Rumble? We answer those questions and more in this #HustleBag.

By Bryan M. Vance
Joern Pollex

It's the return of the Hustle Bag. With MAC Football season beginning tomorrow let's jump right into your questions.

Believe it or not, we actually have a WWE expert of sorts on roster here at Hustle Belt. So rather than tackling this wonderful my question myself, I'm tagging in Ron Balaskovitz:

Just a few that stand out/are funny to me to me:

PJ Fleck - Rock the Boat by Hues Corporation. And yes, Fleck would have a stupid 70's sailor/disco outfit to match. He would be like Fandango, with his annoying "Row the Boat" gimmick, something that just sounds so stupid at first, but it could work. It remains to be seen how he'll get over with crowds outside of Kalamazoo.

Matt Campbell - Go Faster by The Black Crows. Toledo is about one thing, scoring points, and doing it as often and as fast as they can. Can they make this thing go faster? He could even dress up like a super hyped up biker and ride down the ramp on a Harley, ala The Undertaker's American Bad-Ass days. Seriously, who wouldn't want to see that?

Ron English - Somebody's Gonna Get It by Three 6 Mafia. Yes, this is Mark Henry's theme song, but English just looks like a guy who would snap at the drop of a hat and just deck somebody. It also describes what teams are thinking about the Eagles when they get ready to play them.

Frank Solich - Winning It All by The Outfield. Seriously, that's all that's left for Solich to do at Ohio. So this song would be his motivating factor every he stepped in the ring. The song says, "Nobody remembers a loser" and that's the truth, sadly, about some good Bobcat teams that fell short of a MAC Championship. Plus, it's a classic song, for a classic coach. At this point, Solich is sort of taking on a Mr. Perfect like career arc in the MAC. One of the best their is, but for one reason or another, he just can't win the big one.

Dan Enos - Put Out the Fire by Queen. Seriously, was anyone on a hotter seat last year, and after the slow start CMU got off to? But four straight wins, including a bowl victory, did indeed "put out the fire" for the time being. Enos would strut out to the ring all cocky, with his stunner shades that he seems to wear all the time. He would get tremendous heel heat, especially in Mt. Pleasant.

And because I'm a sucker for the WWE myself, I submitted my own Hustle Bag question this week.

Who would win a Royal Rumble match between all the MAC football coaches?

— Bryan M. Vance

And since I still haven't tagged back in, here's Ron with the amazing answer once more:

The first person out to me is obvious: PJ Fleck. Not because I dislike him, or think he's a bad coach, I just think he's annoying. Sort of like Heath Slater of Three Man Band, who walks into the ring, yells things, and claims he's a rock star. Fleck would get in the ring, wiggle his hips, do some dumb dance, and yell "ROW THE BOAT BAYBAAYYYY!" And all the other coaches would punch him in the gut, and toss him out just to shut him up, just like they did to Slater at Night of Champions.

Seriously, that's how I feel about PJ Fleck. Just shut up until you win something.

From there, the also-rans among the conference would get tossed out, guys like Dan Enos, Jeff Quinn, and Dave Clawson.

In a surprising twist, Frank Solich would be the "Iron Man" of the match, just like Bob Backlund at the 1993 Royal Rumble. Seriously, Backlund lasted over an hour, which is amazing considering he was 44 during that match. So the final three comes down to Solich, and Terry Bowden of Akron and Ron English of EMU. Bowden has used his past big time experience to knock out the most guys in the match, while Solich has used his experience to avoid most of the big brawls that English has tried to start with everyone.

After English is hit by a running clothesline from Bowden, and is out in the corner, the crowd is on their feet for Bowden, and rooting for what might be the only win Akron sees all year. But he attempts to do the same to Solich, who uses his smarts, ducks, and pulls the top rope down sending Bowden over the top, and out. The crowd at this point is in a fever, screaming their lungs out, realizing this is Solich's big moment (aka MAC Championship).

But, Ron English was playing possum in the corner, and promptly gets up and dumps Solich over the top ropes as he is still celebrating taking out Bowden. The crowd can't believe that he betrayed an old man, and the boo's come raining down. Jeremy Guy enters the ring (He's bald like Mene Gene), and tries to ask what Ron English was thinking. But English just crotch chops at the crowd and walks out to a chorus of boos.

It would be glorious.

Oh, man...can we please make this happen?

*Tags back in*

Zero percent. No wait, that number is too high. Is there a percentage below zero? Because this isn't happening this year, next year, or anytime in the near future. Seriously, we have a better chance of actually seeing Ron English clothesline someone.

In case you're wondering, this question was in reference to our THE Hustle Belt Watch List. Well, T Lee, Dri Archer and Khalil Mack are Draft locks. Mack could go as high as the mid-first round if he performs well in Buffalo's big games and has a great Senior Bowl (or some other All-Star game) performance. I mean seriously, Mack is a stud. He's got the size, the speed, the athleticism, and most importantly plays with a level of controlled aggression rarely seen.

Archer right now looks to be a mid-round selection, I'd say somewhere between the third and fifth. I had a discussion with SB Nation's NFL Draft expert Dan Kadar who thinks Archer could go as high as one of the first 50 players off the board, if he has a strong senior year and good All-Star game performance.

Aside from that I can see Lynch going in the sixth or seventh. I mean some NFL team is going to take that risk, because he is so prolific. Shortcomings in size and mechanics will scare some, but that won't keep a team from taking him. I was surprised to see that Kadar didn't mention Keith Wenning at all in our Q&A. Of all the MAC QB's he seems the best fit for the NFL for me. He has size, experience and good mechanics. But, if he's drafted expect him to go in the seventh. I think Wenning can work his way into the Draft discussion if he can get BSU 10 wins and throws for 3,500 + yards this season.

As for Tyler Tettleton, well, he's just too short. not saying he can't make it in the NFL, or that he won't get signed, I just see him having to pave his way as an undrafted free agent. That's OK though, he's not unfamiliar with proving people wrong.

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