Etiquette is a funny thing. I’m not talking about which salad fork to use when you sit down for these “dinner interviews” that your college career center warned you about that no one ever actually gets invited to. No, that “etiquette” is basically pointless. It’s like knowing that Albert Einstein was offered the Presidency of Israel and declined it. Cool to know, completely useless in practice.
I’m talking about the practical etiquette of how to be a human being that doesn’t make your fellow man want to commit heinous misdeeds in your general direction. I get that we live in a self-focused bubble of self-appointed self-importance these days so everything gets filtered through that lens. Even with that exceptionally low bar to clear, I’m constantly disappointed in people. People are the worst.
Each morning on my way to work I like to enjoy a nice iced coffee from a local golden arches type establishment. It’s my moment of zen. The drive thru is the model of American efficiency. You order at a speaker, pull up and hand someone your money, and then pull up and get your food. It’s the bastardized version of Henry Ford’s assembly line that marches us all on a slow path to diabetes or death, but dammit, it’s American ingenuity and these colors don’t run. It’s poetry in motion and speed on display.
Except when the hillbilly in front of you in their F-350 dually orders 42 sausage biscuits. 42. FORTY TWO. That’s a lot of sausage biscuits. Forty is a lot and it’s two more than that. The questions I have for that order are numerous. Springing for the ranch-hands with some good old MickeyD’s? Feeding your cattle from the dollar menu? I’m not an agriculture kind of guy, but I feel like that’s not a solid feed strategy for livestock.
How about the most important question: Why don’t you order that inside, faceless plethora of biscuit consumer? Oh, and a bonus question would be why you felt the need to pay with rolled up change. The amount of side eye I gave you was epic. Feel it. Feel it in your bones, change payer. I don’t know who you are but I wish all the bad things in life happen to you and you alone.
Drive thrus are for quick orders. Maybe a little deviation like extra pickes or no ketchup. They are not for 42 sausage biscuits. There should be a cap. One order. No more than 20 bucks. Break the cap, we take your car. Maybe deport you.
They say the customer is always right. They are stupid and have never sat behind Biscuit McJerkface in a drive thru. We live in a damn civilized society, people. Let’s try to act like it. On to today’s biscuit-free Hustle Belt Daily Dump for all the news and notes...
CMU’s Doan on Remington Watch List | CMU Chippewas
We’re 99 days away from the kickoff of college football, which means it’s time for the watch list names to come fast and furious. Today, a Chippewa finds himself on the Remington Award watch list.
Toledo in the market for a head golf coach | NCAA Jobs
You probably aren’t qualified, but think of how much fun it would be to get paid to teach and play golf. My guidance counselor completely dropped the ball on my career plan in high school. Thanks a lot, Fr. Mike.
Why are you a Fan? | HustleBelt
Don’t forget, there’s the opportunity to tell your story of your fandom and win some cold hard cash in the process. Which you can then go spend on sausage biscuits in a drive thru.
EDSBS Charity Drive Missing Some MACtion | EDSBS
The biggest dog on the yard, Everyday Should be Saturday, uses their powers for good in a charity campaign broken down by school. There’s a significant lack of MACtion on this list. Let’s remedy that, shall we?
We’ve got MAC baseball on tap for today so get your MACBats ready to rock in advance of the three day weekend.