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What If We Had the Mid-American 'Do the Dew'?

After reading a recent presser from Pepsi, I couldn't help but let my imagination run wild all over the MAC.

Justin Sullivan

It seems that crowd sourcing is all the rage these days for companies, for better or worse (cappuccino potato chips? Really, Lays?). If you want to know what your consumers will buy, why not have them invent the stuff, right?

Pepsi is the latest to join the fray, as they have "opened their flavor vault" to try and experiment for something new. This story caught my attention because the original source was from a Kent State student posting to Reddit, but they were among a select group of schools who got to sample the latest quartet of experimental flavors of Mountain Dew.

I will list them for you. Bear in mind that these are flavors of Mountain Dew:

  1. Lemon Ginger
  2. Mango Habanero
  3. Rainbow Sherbet
  4. Nacho Cheese Doritos

Now, it just so happens that I've listed those flavors in the order of least to most repulsive to me personally. No matter how much I love both Mountain Dew and Doritos, I do not want to drink something that tastes like both simultaneously. But I digress.

Then I thought, wouldn't it be interesting to try and describe each of our MAC football teams as a flavor of Mountain Dew? Yeah, exactly. Genius. There weren't enough real flavors to fit the bill, so I made some up as I saw fit.

Toledo Rockets

Mountain Dew Rocket Fuel. All of the acidity and chemicals of gasoline, but with...none of the positive effects, because you just can't handle it. Seriously, don't drink it.

Northern Illinois Huskies

Mountain Dew Code Red. Because that's what those opposing defenses start calling for whenever Northern Illinois has the ball.

Bowling Green Falcons

Caffeine Free Diet Mountain Dew. Seriously, how is this a thing? The caffeine is the entire goddamn point of this drink, isn't it? That or the sugar, so removing both seems counterproductive. I have no clue exactly what this is - kind of like the Falcons this season.

Western Michigan Broncos

Mountain Dew Whole Milk. It's thick and creamy, but it doesn't really go down smooth. It both looks and tastes as unsatisfying as it sounds, not unlike the last five years of Broncos football prior to this season.

Central Michigan Chippewas

Mountain Dew Baja Fresh. Because everyone talked about how good they were a few years ago, but has a hard time finding them now.

Ohio Bobcats

Mountain Dew. I decided to be nice and give the classic original to the Bobcats as the only remaining founding member of the conference. No two games have turned out the same, kind of how no two bottles of this stuff ever quite taste the same.

Akron Zips

Mountain Dew Fireball. Watching any Bowden-coached team is likely to drive you to drink, so you might as well get a head start with some whiskey-cinnamon Dew.

Hang on... that sounds kind of good...*calls Dale Earnhardt Jr.*

Ball State Cardinals

Mountain Dew Sport. It's actually just regular Mountain Dew, it just comes in a squeeze-top "sport bottle" so that you can look really athletic. A fake sporty drink for people who don't like sports.

UMass Minutemen

Mountain Dew Chernobyl Blast. A flavor that doesn't initially seem to stick around long, but will surely leave behind a mess long after you think it's gone.

Miami RedHwks

Mountain Dew Colt 45. Had to go with a malt liquor here, because it's old school like Miami's program. But also because they, much like the end result of this flavor, always seem to find a way to shit the bed.

Buffalo Bulls

Mountain Dew Whiteout. Because that's what their games should be played in for optimal viewing.

Eastern Michigan Eagles

Mountain Dew Code Grey. Need I elaborate brick by brick on this selection? Sometimes it takes a while to finish off the bottle, but everyone will be too impressed that you actually pulled it off to say anything snarky.

Kent State Golden Flashes

Diet Mountain Dew Zero. Because I needed something that was even more impotent-sounding than "Caffeine Free Diet Mountain Dew" for a team that has managed 15 touchdowns all season (half of which have come in their last three games). So we went and borrowed a wimpy qualifier from their competition at Coca Cola to create something that has very little color. Or flavor. Or anything else of merit.