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Super sMAC Bros.: If Every MAC Football Team Was A Super Smash Bros. Character

This is a way more accurate comparison of MAC teams than anything Phil Steele can come up's scientifically proven.

It's a me, Mario!
It's a me, Mario!
Dan R. Krauss

If you didn't play Super Smash Bros. for N64 in college, or if you are too young to have heard of N64, you failed. Now go back and try again! It is probably definitely the most played game for that system outside of Goldeneye, and now we get to see how our beloved MAC schools would fare in the game.

In the game there are certain tiers that rank each character, with S being the best, then A, B, C, and lowest being D. The character's tier will be marked in parenthesis after each name. And while I tried to match it up well, there are one or two discrepancies. I already know that so don't bother complaining. The list is revealed from worst to best, as far as ranking goes. And so with out further ado, the list:

13: Metal Mario (N/A) - UMass Minutemen (2013 Record: 1-11)

Metal Mario is exactly what he sounds like - a metal version of Mario. He is decent overall and can take many hits, but once he stumbles, he falls. HARD. Kind of like the Minutemen, who kept up with teams for the first 10 minutes or so before they too fell hard. The other, and more convincing, comparison between the two is the fact that you can't play as Metal Mario in the game, just like UMass decided they can't play in the MAC anymore (after 2015).

12: Samus (D) - Miami RedHawks (0-12)

Samus is considered the worst player in the game, much like Miami was last year in the MAC. Samus doesn't have much of an offense or a defense and relies on the predictability of other teams to win. She does well against the other low tier players, but against the top teams doesn't stand a chance. Sound familiar?

The RedHawks had as bad a year as anybody ever has offensively or defensively. They were dead last in the MAC in total offense, scoring offense, rushing yards, and passing yards. On defense they were second to last in every category. You put those two things together and it's no wonder they were winless.

10 (tied): Luigi (D) - Western Michigan Broncos (1-11)

Luigi has one great move in the game, the Super Jump Punch, otherwise he's just a crappy Mario knockoff. Sure he can do some nice combos offensively, but he's just not versatile. Also he has no power and his physics in the game are rather awkward. You know what else is awkward?

Western Michigan's coach, P.J. Fleck, motto for last years team "Row the Boat". I know it's already a year old, but still, you guys are the Broncos, why not have it be something like "Saddle Up" or horse related. Also, just like Luigi, WMU's offense, and defense, were pretty awful

10 (tied): Link (D) - Akron Zips (5-7)

In Super Smash Bros., Link is a very defensive player with no real offense to speak of. He just waits and bides his time to strike. Unfortunately, Link also lacks speed and the ability to recover. Once he gets down, he stays down. The Zips were a pretty strong defensive team, in that they were able to keep things close. However, once a team got on top, Akron usually couldn't stop them. Unlike Link, Akron has the chance to improve, and they have been lately. Which is why, despite them being tied, I put them ahead of Luigi/WMU.

9: Ness (C) - Central Michigan Chippewas (6-6)

Ness' attack is very predictable and rather unreliable. He also has problems with range and doesn't have much going for him except for his second jump ability and his recovery. CMU has the same offensive problems. Last season it was rather predictable. With nearly two thirds of their offense coming through the air, you knew what they were going to do. And unlike, Ball State (who did the same thing), range issues kept them from scoring more. And, while CMU doesn't have a second jump like Ness, they did recover quite nicely last season, winning five of their last seven, and finished 6-6.

8: Jigglypuff (C) - Eastern Michigan Eagles (2-10)

The puff, as some call him (at least, I bet there are people out there that call him that), doesn't have much of an offensive attack. He has no special moves and is easy to KO. So how is he ranked eighth? Seriously, if you know, tell me. Last season the Eagles were worst in the MAC in scoring defense and 10th in scoring offense. In fact, outside of rushing yards, EMU wasn't higher than 10th in any major offensive or defensive category. They were 9th in returns though, so that's something.

7: Donkey Kong (C) - Buffalo Bulls (8-5)

DK is a very powerful character. It only takes a few hits for him to knock you down, and on the flip side, he can take many hits without being damaged severely. He can also throw his opponents rather far. However, DK is slow, and his attacks take some time, so quicker players can have their way with him. The Bulls know that very well. Despite having a powerful offense (ranked 5th overall in the MAC), throwing very well (fourth in passing yards), a strong defense (second in the MAC) quick teams like Ohio State, Baylor, and Toledo were able to get the best of them.

6: Yoshi (C) - Ohio Bobcats (7-6)

In Smash Bros., Yoshi has a good defense, decent speed, and is strong in the air. But, like DK, he is bad against speed. Yoshi also struggles on defense when characters add a lot of pressure. He can easily beat the lower tier teams but struggles when playing upper tier teams. I think the Bobcats fit this perfectly. They have a solid defense (ranked fifth), are good in the air (ranked third in passing offense), and can't handle pressure games at all. There are usually very few upsets with Ohio - they beat who the should...for the most part.

5: Mario (B) - Toledo Rockets (7-5)

Mario is an overall good player. He does everything well - his offense and defense are both very well rounded. His only problems are a limited range with his attacks, decent speed, and predictability. The Rockets are Mario because, just like our favorite Italian plumber, they do everything well. They defended well (enough), they threw the ball well, and they ran the ball (very) well. They are good at everything but still not strong enough to be on top.

4: Captain Falcon (B) - Ball State Cardinals (10-3)

The best player in for aerial combat in Smash Bros. is Captain Falcon. He's fast, strong, and has great combination moves. Falcon's ground attack is weak and not too effective. The Cardinals offense was great in the air (leading the MAC) but mediocre on the ground (seventh in the MAC). Defensively, Falcon's main weakness is on the edges - if he falls off an edge, he falls quickly. Kind of like how Ball State played against NIU last year. The Cardinals were in it for 54 minutes, but then gave up three touchdowns in the final six minutes and lost 48-27. The same thing happened against North Texas where the Cardinals, after leading 27-9, gave up 24 points in the last 16 minutes and lost.

3: Fox (A) - Northern Illinois Huskies (12-2)

Fox is a super quick, versatile character that can beat you in multiple ways. He is the second fastest player and, thus, doesn't have much power. His attack is still very effective because he can use many combinations when attacking. However, Fox is quite predictable and uses the same moves often. He also is susceptible to opponents using combos against him and falls off edges quickly. The Huskies, just like Fox, have an offense that can beat you in so many ways - in the air, and on the ground, with speed - but they aren't too powerful (outside of Stingily) and are quite predictable on offense - QB run, jet sweep or bubble screen, option/read play. That's the NIU formula.

2: Kirby (A) - Kent State Golden Flashes (4-8)

Here's the deal, this one isn't perfect but hear me out. Kirby is small(ish), very quick, and has quite a long range offensively but is limited in his combinations when attacking. His defense is unreliable and he can be knocked out vertically very easily. Dri Archer is undoubtedly Kirby in human form and, while it isn't a perfect fit for the whole team, Kent State is Kirby. End of story.

1: Pikachu (S) - Bowling Green Falcons (10-4)

I think we all knew who the number one team was going to be. But Pikachu definitely fits well with BGSU. Pikachu has lots of speed to go along with his solid ground game and strong air game. He is also able to attack very quickly. Pikachu lacks power and can be knocked out earlier than normal, but only if you attack him correctly. Sounds like the Falcons to me. The had a great ground game, an outstanding passing attack, were strong defensively, and only lost to teams who attacked them the right way. Too bad NIU, er, I mean Fox couldn't figure out the correct way...