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Ballad of a MAC kicker


Melina Vastola-USA TODAY Sports

Once upon a third down

My coach called a good play of sorts.

The QB called "hike!" and hit the slant

But the receiver's knee lands two yards short.

So eleven ran off as I ran on

Everybody's really sweaty and I'm still chewing bubble gum.

Three steps back, one slide left

"You've only got one job! Don't look dumb!"

With the wind to my back

At two miles per hour.

I take a deep breathe, just 32 yards away

I've done this before, the issue isn't leg power.

The issue isn't the snap nor the hold

My shoe's tight fine, but it's still wide right.

Now everybody hates me, because I had just one job,

So now I can't stop thinking to ignore Twitter tonight.

What's worse than that? I'm already on TV

My girlfriend's texting me, "I'm done with you."

I also lose my starting job to nobody

Coach doesn't trust me, "let's go for two."

"But coach, I can make that," I plea

"Yes you can," he'd say

"I see you do it all the time in practice,

"Except for today, for today is Saturday."