A Hater's guide to week four
It's time to express the oh-so-satisfying that so many fans of athletics thrive upon. A week of rivalry games is upon us, and what better time to voice some necessary qualms about everyone's favorite teams?
We take the time this week to do a "Talkin' SMACk"-style version of slapstick-nonsense that allows us to take aim at some programs for no good reason other than good-natured ribbing.
Try not to take it personally.
It's time for some pot-shots.
BATTLE OF THE BRICKS
JUSTIN: (HATES OHIO)
I have two very good reasons to hate Ohio this week.
They lost the first ever Bobcat Bowl, thus shaming the conference forever
They still wear Russell Athletic uniforms. Just because your coach is old, doesn't mean you have to stay in the uniform stone age.
KALEB: Ohio (HATES MIAMI)
First of all, Russell is distinct and different. Secondly, it's hard to take you seriously with y'all wearing frat gear. Especially you goofs with your sperrys. Sperrys everywhere.
Miami fans think they can stick their noses up at everyone else when their program has gone down the drain. Even fixtures of major programs coming in to coach can't fix the Miami mess.
RedHawks fans are taking some of these recent close results and choosing to feel good about them after having pretty recently lost to yet another FCS program. When you think about it, Miami might just be destined for the bottom of a very awful super bad no good MAC East. Wouldn't that be painful? The incoming assault on the Miami is hurtling toward your institution of higher-learning, and it's something the fans are going to want to look away from.
BATTLE FOR THE CANNON
JUSTIN: (HATES CMU)
Central Michigan deserves all of your hate
Mount Pleasant. What a poorly-named city. If you dropped me in Mount P without a half gallon of booze or a football game to go to, I'm not sure I could find anything to do. Don't even get me started on this year's football team. What sort of delusional fan base looks at that Oklahoma State game and claims conference supremacy for two weeks? Thankfully, the MAC's hottest team now has zero votes in the precious AP poll they fell in love with for 14 days due to an embarrassing loss at Virginia. Say, does Central just struggle against teams and coaches named Bronco?
I'm still mad they seriously petitioned for College Game Day, as if two MAC schools that can't draw any fans deserve college football's highest honor.
KALEB: (HATES WMU)
The level of vitriol I'm sensing for the Chips here seems very strong. Good thing CMU has a coach committed to Central, we'll see pretty boy Fleck jump off his little boat in no time. A loss to the Chippewas here will give him an idea as to just how necessary that move will be.
WMU has had a fun time beating up on the Little Ten sisters of the poor, at least CMU beat a team that was nationally-ranked for much of last season. Northwestern and Illinois meanwhile, look like trash heaps. Bet the Broncos would be proud of a win over Rutgers too.
CMU may have lost to Virginia, but we all know where Western is destined, and that's to be caught in the muck of the MAC West race. The race for clear-cut Central supremacy begins here.
WAGON WHEEL BAYBAYYYY
JUSTIN: Akron (HATES KENT)
Imagine being a Kent State fan.
Hating on Kent State football is simple and easy these days - even if you're an Akron fan. Remember, it's important to stay on message when hating the Flashes, and that message is very simple: "your offense is a dumpster fire."
The Flashes are not an enjoyable team to watch on offense. I'm not sure that their attempts to move the ball down the field resemble anything remotely close to modern football, and somehow this has managed to get even worse with Mylik Mitchell's injury.
By kickoff on Saturday, it will have been a year since Kent State scored any points against Akron, so Zips fans, you know what to do. Remind your hated rivals of this fact every opportunity you have, because rivalries are about exploiting weakness and repeating the same facts over and over until arguments devolve into nonsense.
KALEB: Kent State (HATES AKRON)
You're damn right I'm bitter ya zippy lover. Sitting here just trying to imagine the beautiful world this would need to be for the Flashes to take Down Akron this weekend.
This is what I'll say with no logic involved. The Flashes are due. Akron had been riding high, and its the Zips' time to come tumbling down the stairs. We've seen the Zips give up some big scoring totals the last few weeks, so now's as good a time as any for KSU to find some magic in its' offensive attack.
The defense has to be all over the place. Have my hopes on Terence Waugh, Nate Holley and Demetrious Monday causing enough havoc and turnovers to keep this a low-scoring game. It's homecoming week. WIN IT FOR THE ALUMNI!
JUSTIN: (HATES NIU)
Hating NIU is fun
Alright y'all, time to get our collective laughing at NIU out of the way. Ready?
Okay. Wow that felt good. There is no way many opportunities like this arise in the future, so you have to take them when they come to you. Don't take it so personally, NIU fans, it's just that spending so much time on the top sort of leads to people being sick of you. And boy, are we sick of you. Remember when Big XII expansion seemed like a distant but real possibility? We're happy you're going to be sticking around for a little while longer, if for no other reason than it was sort of cool to watch you be publically eliminated from a cash grab over Twitter.
KALEB: (HATES BSU)
Sure, laugh it up at the Huskies now, because you know when the MAC slate starts, so does any chance of Ball State being better than the Huskies. Must be nice to feel so happy about wins over Georgia State, Florida Atlantic and Eastern Kentucky leave you ecstatic. Meanwhile, NIU fans are ready for the conference slate for the Huskies to mow through the competition that is commonplace for this program. This is the week you're reminded that Riley Neal isn't anywhere close among the upper echelon of MAC QB's, and that you don't belong among the best.
BSU has this notion of a "Neu" era changing things for the Cardinals? Get to the back of the line kids, your time to challenge for MAC West supremacy is still years away.